News and comment 16/11/2016- Dacre before the horse

 

In a particularly newsworthy week, it’s nice to see that the Daily Mail have their priorities sorted out. This week’s bin news and comment stems from the tabloid’s calm and measured discussion of what it calls ‘THAT PHOTO’. “What photo?” I hear you ask. ‘THAT PHOTO’ of course. There’s no need for a modicum of context; it’s ‘THAT PHOTO,’ and if you don’t know what ‘THAT PHOTO’ is by now then you may as well give up you out-of-the-loop cretin.

I’m ashamed to admit thorse-running-on-the-beach-wheelie-bin-stickers-panel-green-500x500hat I am very much an out-of-the-loop cretin, as I was initially ignorant of the photo-that-needs-no-introduction. I cast my mind to various possibilities: could it possibly be that stark image of Obama’s ethnically diverse staff, frowning stoically at Donald Trump as he visited the Whitehouse as president elect? Or perhaps the picture of said president elect- the apparent epoch of the anti-establishment- standing smugly in a golden elevator with Kermit the Farage. Well, as it turns out, my thinking was too narrow. Because THAT PHOTO, as I’m sure you’re very much aware, was obviously the photo of a drunk 23-year-old woman at a horse race in Melbourne pretending to ride a wheelie bin like a horse.

Upon viewing the photo, it all became so clear. Clearly this was THE photo; an image, or should I say icon, that will outlive us all. A picture may speak a thousand words, but Paul Dacre thinks that an image should speak two thousand words, so the image is accompanied by a thousand more words; words such as ‘tiny blue dress,’ and ‘antics’ and ‘shame.’ Quite what a 23-year-old Australian woman is doing being drunk at an event that gives out free champagne is so mystifying that the Mail felt the need to publish photos from every single conceivable angle just so its grateful readers really know what they’re dealing with.

And what they’re dealing with is a woman, a DRUNK woman, in a TINY blue dress, riding a WHEELIE BIN, like a HORSE!!!!!.

News and comment 16/11/2016- Dacre before the horse

News and comment 04/10/2016-Chariots of ire.

 

With great effort, Margaret prises her eyes open. An eerie light is piercing her blinds, and her bedside table is shaking violently. She manages to squint and just about register her jittering alarm clock before it dances off the side and crashes to the floor: 3:30 am. Mustering the courage to squint through her blinds, she sees, and suddenly, enveloped with dread, she understands. A horde of dark shadows, moving ever closer. The light begins to flash now, faster and faster, resembling a warning light, or a strobe. Rise of the Valkyries inexplicably starts playing from her tinny radio, and then, over the swelling crescendo, she hears those hallowed words: ‘DOOWN IT FRESHHEEER!’15574344-large

Yep, get to the bomb shelters unsuspecting residents, it’s that time of year again! The time of year where young people all over the country get to embrace new levels of academic rigour, finally discovering like-minded minds to discuss hermetic intricacies with over a game of chess and a nice cup of tea. Or, perhaps more typically, finally discovering like-minded minds to bellow 90’s pop songs down suburban streets at half three in the morning over dangerously cheap Sambuca shots.

The freshers have arrived, and, as always, they have graciously invited street furniture along for the ride. Though it’s not just the traffic cones; it seems that this year wheelie bins are getting in on the action. The Lincolnshire echo reports that barely a week after thousands of students arrived in Lincoln for the start of the academic year, locals have been ‘plagued by students chariot racing with empty wheelie bins.’ One of the students in question recently proclaimed that this is merely a noble if slightly abstract effort to drag the Oxford boat race into the 21st century, but to be fair he was a pretty pissed at the time.

Some residents of Lincoln have started the ‘Shush’ campaign, hoping to reintroduce ‘silent nights’ to the area, but these efforts have been branded a waste of time. Many residents now enjoy putting the early hours in which they are awake to good use, by reflecting contentedly on the spiralling debt and dire housing prospects these young folk will one-day have to face, before laughing diabolically and sticking the kettle on.

 

News and comment 04/10/2016-Chariots of ire.

News and Comment- 18/08/2016

Main-man-creates-his-own-EU-border-crossing-with-wheelie-bins-asking-people-for-passports

 

When it comes to geopolitical conceits and topical sociological issues you’d think that bin news wouldn’t be a particularly rich vein to plumb. Well, my presumptuous reader- (or am I being presumptuous in assuming that anyone is actually reading this?)- you would be wrong. Last month we discussed the septic sensationalism of the Brexit and Bremain campaigns, albeit through the lens of a t’riffic little tale about a traffic warden and a wheelie bin. And now- post-Brexit- in this period of eerie uncertainty, that beleaguered calm after the storm, we turn to bin news once more, for an altogether splendid illustration of the whole damn debacle.

The mirror reports that just three days after the Brexit vote, 22-year-old Matthew White (later described by a judge as ‘well in drink’), used wheelie bins to create his own ‘EU border crossing’ on a UK street, demanding that passers-by brandish their British passports in order to pass through. Funnily enough, the man he eventually head-butted had the most English name imaginable, but the victim- Mr Carrington Hunt- didn’t really go for this sort of nonsense, thank you very much.  The first thing I can take from this story is that I now feel obliged to introduce the phrase ‘well in drink,’ into my everyday lexicon. It makes drunkenness sound like some sort of place that you accidentally stumble to through no fault of your own. ‘Oh, don’t mind Steve, he’s well in drink. Even with fair weather he probably won’t find his way out till Tuesday.’

Mr White crudely constructed his barrier out of ‘wheelie bins, bits of fencing, a push chair, and children’s play equipment.’ Given how last few months has seen many people condense complex ideas into childish mental images of rudimentary blockades- as well as very much throwing their toys out of the proverbial pram- it’s almost as Matthew has intentionally fashioned a spectacular conceptual art piece: ‘I AM BREXIT MANIFEST- WITNESS ME!’

We are all now, of course, living Matthew’s hangover. The cold light of day is giving us a bit of a headache, and as texts messages start to flood in, we have to ask ourselves the question ‘what exactly did we do last night?’

Of course, as a nation it seems we agree that the only sensible next step is to employ the standardised, tried and tested hangover tactic:  turn the phone off, put the kettle on, and hope it all goes away…

 

News and Comment- 18/08/2016

News and comment 29/06/2016

Mac Cartoon

 

It has been a turbulent, vitriolic few months. It’s fair to say that the tactics employed by both the Brexit and the Bremain campaigns have been pretty Breprehensible. As we have seen so many times, when trying to rally support for a political cause, you need to locate and exploit a common enemy. For the Outees, it was immigrants and academics (heaven forbid if you’re an immigrant academic), and for the Inees it was Nigel Farage. You have to feel for all the reasonable and logic-driven advocates for leaving the EU. It can’t be nice having a guy who thinks he’s Admiral Nelson- but actually resembles a beerier, more bellicose Alan Partridge- speaking for you on the telly every day.

The surrealist picture painted by the EU referendum is ultimately one of disunity. It sadly seems we are a country divided. Perhaps we’ve lost sight of the true common enemy-an enemy we can all agree upon. The enemy who could unite a nation, the academics, labourers, Partridges alike.  I am talking, of course, about that object of our universal scorn: the nefarious traffic warden.

This week comes the news that a traffic warden has been caught out hiding behind wheelie bins, ‘in an apparent bid to catch out unsuspecting motorists.’ The Sun has published images showing the villain sneaking behind some 1100’s, before leaping out of the shadows and issuing a ticket, forked tail whipping viciously behind him.

Ahh, the hatred is so pure. Even the Sun didn’t report him as being an immigrant traffic warden, or a traffic warden who is on benefits. This simple tincture of classic, harmless hatred truly is a tonic in these times of wild-eyed hysteria. Our hero in this folk-tale- Mr Clark of Canterbury Plumbing supplies- had presumably heard cries of ‘He’s behind you!’ before storming over: ‘I went up to him shouting ‘Oi what do you think you’re doing.’

That’s it Mr Clark, let him have it.

Booo.

Hiss.

 

 

News and comment 29/06/2016

News and comment 25/05/2016

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

   deano

This week the world gratefully gorged upon yet another gratuitous super-hero smorgasbord, courtesy of X-Men Apocalypse. Don’t let the title fool you- an actual apocalypse would mean foregoing the endless cycle of sequels and reboots that we lap up oh-so greedily. Having worked in the waste industry for a while, it’s nice to see that Hollywood know a thing or two about recycling. ‘Believe us, this time the men are even X’ier!’

Yet from the North of England comes a tale of a true hero. There are whispers on the streets of Sunderland. They speak of a man. A man unfazed by trivialities such as sub-zero temperatures and infernal football rivalries. A man cloaked in a cape of green moulded plastic. They call him Wheelie bin man.

Despite having a name that sounds like an alias a drunk football hooligan conjures when trying to convince a Parisian policeman that he’s actually a local, 47-year-old Deano Franciosy is an admirable chap. The Wheelie-bin Man moniker was granted to him by geordies who spotted him train for a 15 mile run from St James’ park to the Stadium of Light with a 240l wheelie bin strapped to his back. Deano isn’t striving to fight crime-or grime for that matter. His endeavour is all to raise funds for the ICCU at Sunderland Royal Hospital, which cared for his mother in her final days.

Deano does something every year in his mum’s memory, just to raise funds for the unit, who he describes as ‘absolutely unbelievable.’ We don’t know about you, but that’s a kind of heroism we can get behind. Marvel should be taking notes. They’re bound to run out of ideas before long, so before Aubergine Man is finally unleashed upon the world, maybe Deano could get a silver-screen debut, replete with his own spin low-budget tv series: “WBM Origins- taking out the trash”

 

News and comment 25/05/2016

News and comment 5/04/2016-Catastrophe

 

catastrophe

It may shock you to hear, but writing this blog can occasionally be a bit of a struggle. It seems that despite being such infinitely fascinating subjects, people don’t tend to write many compelling news stories about wheelie bins. It’s an appalling and surprising state of affairs, as I’m sure you’ll agree. But, ah…who could forget the summer of 2010? The summer where we reached the summit of wheelie bin related news: the blisteringly dramatic standard to which all subsequent stories must sullenly compare themselves. The summer where 45-year-old Mary Bale became a national hate figure, after CCTV footage of her dumping a cat in a wheelie bin for no apparent reason went viral.

The mystery! The drama! The vitriolic fury! It really had it all. All bin news is just a footnote to Mary’s moment of deliciously irrational malice. This week the Daily Mail recalls the Watergate of the waste world, further underlining the troubled relationship cats have with wheelie bins. It reports that poor pet owners- Sophie Worster and Sarah Young- were forced to trawl through wheelie bins after the corpse of their beloved cat, Zelda, was thoughtlessly dumped in one by Colchester council.

Zelda was already a late cat when encountered by the council gardeners, so their actions can be chalked up as thoughtless rather than outright malicious. Still, you can’t read the description of a ‘cat squashed at the bottom of the bin’ without also hearing the sound of pitchforks being sharpened across the UK. A spokesman for Colchester Council apologised for the ‘deeply regrettable’ incident, before changing his name and moving his entire family to Argentina.

Onto more positive news, last week a Glasgow wheelie bin played the hero, averting catastrophe by breaking a man’s life threatening fall. A source told the evening times ‘to survive a fall like this is nothing short of a miracle.’ An unverified source quoted the bin as saying, in an unaccountably American accent ‘well, shucks, ma’am, it’s all in a day’s work.

 

News and comment 5/04/2016-Catastrophe

News and Comment 4/03/2016

Mavericks and their wheelie bins.

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Everyone appreciates the way that the noble wheelie bin fights the good fight: stiffening its upper lid through the seasons and bravely performing its unglamorous duties. Yet there are mavericks in this world who look at a wheelie bin and see something greater. There are those who look at a wheelie bin guzzle waste, and all they see is wasted potential. Why merely be a bin, when you can be a menacing, animatronic terroriser of towns?  Why merely be a bin, when you can be an artistic masterpiece? Why indeed…

Last week Youtuber and inventor Colin Furze made national news after he unleashed his remote control wheelie bin onto the unsuspecting town of Stamford, Lincolnshire.  After fitting a green 260 with an engine, Colin decided to personify his creation by crudely attaching two eyes and a mouth; fittingly granting it an uncanny resemblance to Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator movies. The bin had a merry old day buzzing around town, evading waste collectors and scaring old ladies, before presumably bellowing ‘GET TO THE TIPPER!’ and roaring off into the sunset in a hail of milk cartons and banana peels.

Another maverick, another online hit: wheelie bin artist ‘Binsy,’-real name Brett Day- has gone viral after demonstrating his collection of spray paint art on wheelie bins. Brett has now quit his old job for good, hoping to make a full time living out of his rather impressive bin art, probably hoping that one-day people start calling him Leonardo da Binci, or at the very least stop calling him ‘Binsy.’

Inspiration hit Brett when he was putting his bins out ‘and realised that they looked horrible,’ and he though ‘why not try and make them a bit more pretty?’ We appreciate Brett’s eloquent mission statement, not to mention his undoubted talent, but hope these makeovers don’t lead to unrealistic image standards for bins. Remember, wheelie bins, no matter what your size, you’re gorgeous just the way you are.

News and Comment 4/03/2016