No Smoke Without Fire: The Truth Behind Wheelie Bin Arson

So here we are again, binthusiasts. Wheelie bin fires – the most guilty and inexplicable pleasure of Man. When will this chaos end?

It’s true we’ve already covered this hottest of topics in our previous blog entry, though in light of a further series of bin burnings, and with local tabloids across the country going into absolute meltdown, we feel obliged to revisit it. Why are so many separate incidences of wheelie bin arson occurring so frequently, and in vastly different parts of the country? What is it in the human psyche that is so drawn to this most forbidden of fruit? These are questions that we probably won’t answer here, but rest assured they need answering. Maybe you’ll give it a crack? In the name of the countless wheelie bins we’ve lost to this senseless madness, maybe you’ll give it a crack.

According to The Evening Times, Lanarkshire police have reported a huge increase in wheelie bin fires across the county, urging the public to come forward with any information. A valiant gesture, though a futile one, for if a member of the public is to expose a bin burner they must by extension expose part of their very own soul. They’ll need to bare all in order to do the right thing, like some sort of vigilante flasher – the one crime he couldn’t solve was how to keep his clothes on. The article goes on to say ”The force did not reveal the locations of the deliberate fires”. Far from this being a head-nod to how inept the Jedi are at identifying bin arson, what we see here is a further reluctance to explore the situation… further. This is something that is consistent with regional reporting on the matter: shock and surprise, coupled with sharp distancing of oneself from the grimy truth, similar to a dog that’s both infatuated and sickened by the smell of its own farts.

All jokes to one side, these are serious crimes that in some cases leave very real victims in their wake. The Leicester Mercury has reported that a lady was in need of counselling after a wheelie bin fire spread to a nearby fence and parked car. The article finished by saying that the blaze destroyed the fence and caused 50% of the damage to the parked car – a statement that both conveys how easy it is for these acts to blow up whilst also probing you to wildly speculate about where the other 50% car-damage came from (emotional strain or the work of a disgruntled ex-carfriend?) The bottom line is this needs to stop – you can’t just go around setting other people’s bins on fire it’s really weird.

We’d also like to use this space to commend the efforts of the Evening Telegraph, who’s brave and hysterical death cries serve as the most effective means we have of holding bin arsonists to account – their valiant wails ring true from the brooks of River Dee through to the mountainous breaths of The Torridon Hills. BritishBins fully support any local media outlet that is trying to shine a light on this.

Look after each other and your wheelies everyone, even if we are all just a bunch of dirty bin burners deep down.

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No Smoke Without Fire: The Truth Behind Wheelie Bin Arson

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